Being Fat - Part 2

[Note: This is a re-posting of my Facebook Note on August 26th 2008.  Names have been edited out.] 

High School - A Look Back

So I gained the weight back. But how much can I even trust my memory? I probably wasn't as heavy as I'm thinking right now. Pictures are the only thing I can really trust to give me an object look. But I also hate looking at pictures of myself.

I know because of how I thought of myself, I missed a lot of opportunities in the relationship area. I'd always hear talk about how my older brother was cute, or my younger brother was cute, and felt like I was left out of that area of our gene pool.

It was too hard to see me as other saw me, and I was blind to all the hints that were thrown my way, only to see them after it was too late. There was even one girl who made it obvious enough for even me to see, but I wasn't attracted to her. Or so I thought. Now I wonder if I really just wasn't attracted to her, or was it just too impossible for me to grasp that she really was into me, so I took the "safe" route and didn't let myself accept it.

Just based on that last paragraph alone, I probably wasn't as bad as I remember myself being. Not physically anyway, but it was that mental fat that got in the way. Of course in high school there were other issues as well, but this was one of the primary ones, and others stemmed from this source.

Thinking more about it, this was also the time I was training in Hapkido, earning my blackbelt and eventually becoming an instructor. I could easily run and jump almost my chest height, maybe even my shoulder height, by jumping with two feet raised straight up to my chest, and not dive over the rope like pole vaulters. (I miss training...)

But however it really was, because of how I thought of myself, I ended my high school era never getting a first girlfriend despite all the chances that I had, as well as all the missed opportunities that I didn't see until it was too late (and the ones I never figured out at all).


College - Commuter Era

The early days of college was pre-AphiO. It was pre-living in SF. Wake, BART to school, attend class, BART home. [Note: BART = Bay Area Rapid Transit.  Like a subway system, but not always underground.]  That was my entire life, and that's how I wanted it at the moment. The mental fat was weighing me down, and I was too afraid to go out there and meet people.

I can't quite remember, but I think it was during this time that my weight did stabilize, and maybe even went down a little bit. I even tried a gym membership for the first time and went with my younger brother on a pretty regular basis for a few months.

That didn't last as long as I could have wanted. I don't remember why exactly, but I do know that I hated the travel time it took to go back and forth to the gym, and I hated driving with a sweaty shirt on.

(I was too shy to change my clothes there and use the locker room/shower? I don't even know what they had there because I didn't care to use it either way.)

I tried what I could but my weight was fluctuating constantly. I lose some, gain more, lose some again, then gain even more.


College - AphiO Era

I was finally convinced and prodded by my cousin, to join Alpha Phi Omega. College was a lonely place not knowing anyone on campus. I was going to college, but I didn't feel a part of the college. So I let myself finally reach out a little bit, and worked even all the harder to get myself in shape.

I tried to do what little I could when I pledged, but it wasn't until I moved in with my Big Sib and pledge brothers, and a friend of a brother, where for the first time in my life I finally took command of my weight and crushed it.

When we signed the contract for our townhouse, they said we could get a three year access to the Parkmerced gym for only $20!!

$20 bucks. 3 years. Walking distance. Perfect.

I went when I could during that Spring, but it was during summer when school was out, and most aphio events on pause, where I had all the time in the world to focus on my weight.

I created my plan. I set my goal. And I did what I'm doing now, wrote regular Xanga entries about it. I lost 30 pounds that summer in just a little over three months, and I was able to keep it off for the first time in my life.


Burning the Mental Fat - (Some of it at least)

There was even this one incredibly hot blond girl who always wore shorts in my summer OChem class that I liked to look at, who took an interest in me. She loved to sit in the row in front of me off to the right a little bit and prop up her legs on the row in front of her, where her legs were always just in the corner of my eyes. She'd also always come over to my side of the room in the lab and want to borrow my equipment.

It took me a couple hours after class was over one day when I realized that when we were talking, "My ex-boyfriend was Filipino," was a pretty clear sign that she was interested. *facepalm*

I had no idea what to do of course. And while I was pretty sure she was interested, I couldn't believe it. On the last day of class, the way she hugged bye to me, and trailed her down my arm erased all doubts. But that was pretty much the end of that.

Regardless of how that ended, the shock of it all definitely opened up my eyes just a tiny bit, and finally helped me shed some of that mental fat that had been with me for so long.

A few month later, so much more of that mental fat burned away when I finally got my first girlfriend.


To be continued...

I wasn't expecting there to be a third part. I like to think of myself as having some skill at writing (and hopefully some time in the future that some skill will increase a lot more, and I'll actually publish something), and purposefully wanted to end that last entry on a low note because I knew there would be a different ending when Part 2 came along.

But I didn't expect myself to add in as much about my relationship history as I did. I only skimmed everything of course, and that topic could create pages and pages of entries on it's own! But that's all you're gonna get!